Archive for March, 2006

Heavy Dosage

Friday, March 31st, 2006

In an age without inspiration, the medical world is being overrun with multi-purpose medicines, i.e. piggyback drugs. These are the industrial equivalent of putting a clock or short wave radio in an already existing product, and then they still don’t work. For example, I had a clock in my frying pan with which I spilled pig fat on my leg when I checked the time. I also had a radio in my condoms, but the reception was always poor. So this is how they’re abusing our medicines:

Allergensing – Cure allergy symptoms this spring while giving a small energy boost.

Gasprin - Relieves asthma attacks and headaches.

Gasprin Senior - Relieves flatulence and lowers blood pressure.

Mefipritalin – A combination of Mefipristone (RU486) and Ritalin, it treats ADHD and rids you of unwanted pregnancies.

Faustylenol – For mild pain relief. Possible Side effects: Lost soul

Rougeane – Hair growth formula specifically for the face.

Penicilitin – Cures bacterial infection, while helping you remember your appointments.

At a glance, these drugs may not seem practical, but the trend may eventually help reduce drug costs in the future. Imagine a day when all our ailments can be cured with a single wonder pill.

I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy clogging my arteries.

Thursday, March 30th, 2006

It’s official. Studies show that praying for heart patients does not increase their chance of recovery, but slightly increases the number of complications. Already, some of you are getting queezy because you think I’ll spin it negetively, but trust me that at hamishdee.com we love and accept all peoples and faiths, even if they’re wrong and make your heart explode.

I suspect that the scheme was the brain child of an intelligent design think tank because a reputable scientist or religious leader wouldn’t waste their time. People should agree that science should stay in one room and religion in another. If the two start meeting in the foyer it will just lead to wild rumors, and the people who know little about either will just be confused.

Let me sum up their relationship: Science does not put God in the equation because the study of science does not respond to authority. Science does not exclude God because it is not their place to presume, but scientists do tend to get chips on their shoulders because they are constantly harrassed by idiots calling them demonologists. The most popular forms of monotheism say nothing is outside of God, so science too is within God and is the interpretation of God’s message sent by means of nature. For instance, global warming is God’s way of telling us to walk to work, etc.

Ok, so you did a study in an attempt to combine science and religion, and you got little or no effect. Assuming everything was done correctly what can we conclude? If you don’t believe in God then here’s further evidence, congrats. If you do believe in the Maker then maybe it’s His way of saying, “I’m beyond comprehension, so stop trying to take measurements, buster!”

CNN Story

Sky-Bar Superstar

Wednesday, March 29th, 2006

I suppose congratulations are in order for college student Skyler Bartels who spent 41 consecutive hours wandering a Walmart in Des Moines for an English paper. Of course, this means book deals and movies for him. What else do you expect from the American standards that bring you stores like Walmart in the first place? I only know of two, shall we say…, entities that have done the same. The first was my Great Grandma Dee who had Alzheimer’s. The family went shopping there with her and, while we usually left her in the car, on particularly hot days we brought her in. Once, we sat her in a chair in the furniture department while we shopped for a new desk. Then two days later when we needed to replace the malfuntioning piece of garbage, she was still there, blinking at us in vague recognition. Sad story, really.

More famously, the others who have been in a Walmart store for 41 consecutive hours are everybody who has ever worked for Walmart. They’re not unionized, so the managers can do whatever they want with their worker bees. I held a job in a Walmart and the day I quit was the same day they started locking people in overnight. Why not do a film about my brave story, New Line? Or if it’s something different you want, I refer you to the South American Travel Notebook. Pick any entry and you’ll find a winner.

CNN Story

Fulcrum

Tuesday, March 28th, 2006

I’ve caught in the nets of my youthful high energy

something akin to a meritless synergy,

seed in a vacuum of loud cooing pigoenry.

Dirt wiped on the sign that read welcome.

 

Long were the strokes that I dangled high from trees

and powerless from when I caught hand to mouth disease,

then written and stored in volumes of epiphanies.

Suspend in the wave of a crescent.

 

Now that I’ve found a sad place full of laughter

with pixie dust blown and then smoking guns after

a generous whim that may close this new chapter.

Through piddle and ponderous autumn.

Suggestions for High School Senior Prom Themes That Will Get You Expelled or Into MIT

Tuesday, March 28th, 2006

Robot Fetishism 

Robotic Dog Fetishism