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You can’t force them to show gratitude. They’ll most likely give a nonchalant snort and start drinking at a leisurely pace, making you wait for them as if you didn’t have any other plans. If the horse is passive aggressive it will wait until you’re already at the water, not drink and then claim it was never thirsty. You both know you can’t force it to drink, and it would ridicule you for trying. Perhaps, you’ll resort to threats, reminding the horse that you’ve already replaced your dog and your butler with robots. There’s no reason you can’t reinvent yourself as the world’s first tequestrian by riding a robot horse. But it will remind you that the horse was a wild animal once and would gladly be so again. Then you’ll scream something about him once having sex with a donkey and it responds by kicking you in the chest.

You can induce birth in a heavily pregnant horse by showing it a snake. Just be certain there aren’t any cliffs about. Horses are more frightened of snakes than gravity. You can threaten your horse by saying you’ll send it to Guam if it doesn’t drink, even leaving brochures in your saddlebag as an added touch. He’ll hate you for it. As the saying goes, “You can lead a horse to Guam, but you can’t stop him from jumping off a cliff.”

Browsing at random this evening, I came across the CIA homepage for kids. Now, unless your kid enjoys the Wall Street Journal and wants their coffee black, they will have no interest in this webpage (seen here). However, they do make an effort, so check out Harry and Ariel Recon, the Aerial Photography Pigeons. They’re so cute with their little pilot caps. Basically, they’ve sold American kids on aerial reconnaissance photos. 

Despite his assassination, John Lennon is still making himself heard. In a recent pay-per-view séance, they summoned his apparition to bring us this message (SPOILER ALERT!): “Peace.” That’s correct, “Peace.” I haven’t seen the séance, but I can only assume he laughed maniacally and rattled his chains after delivering his big, important message. Evidently, dying has taught him nothing because this thing they call peace is what he couldn’t stop talking about when he was living. BBC Story  Waking celebrities from their eternal torment (and pretending it’s real) is a relatively new concept in television. I think they tried to do a follow up to the Lennon séance by summoning George Harrison, but all he said was “Karma”, which really doesn’t fit into the equation. 

Fate threw me a curve today when I found one of my shoes to be untied, as I wandered about the university. “Tut tut,” I said, “160 credit hours and still you have not mastered this minor craft. I suppose there’s little left to do but get back on this horse.” The baffled crowd scattered to give me some room and I found vacant bench upon which to sit whilst I tied yon shoe. 

Once yon shoe was tied, I looked next to me and found a small tract that read “This was your life.” I did not touch the tract, as I am always wary of unsolicited information, but I reflected some moments upon the chanced message. “This was your life,” I thought, “Tis true I am but mortal flesh, yet my heart pounds beneath me. If the message were to inform me of my demise, one should think an envoy of the afterlife would meet in person to extend their warmest welcome. Nay, but warm welcomes are not what one desires of the afterlife, and the climate shift may give one the flu. Still, I doubt that was the point of the message.” 

“Perhaps, it was a message from the future.” Again, I thought better of it. “Though the stars above may be messages from the past, we do not look into the future by turning our backs to them. What could this mean though?” 

“If I can no longer claim the life I once did it may be somebody else’s. I can’t recall signing such a deed. I haven’t taken to wife, or any public service. Must be I was led astray by yon tract. My mind isn’t quite as loose as my laces.” ‘Tis many a stray message that causes us to falter. The booklet might as well have read “Bridge Goblins” or “Multiple Orgasms.” For shame, casting thy fantasies upon the porous and impressionable student’s mind. For shame.