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I’ve completed the cover art for my fake, never-to-be-released, classic rock album. Click here for a sneak peek. By the way, it is an original image.

The Almighty declared today that progress will soon cease on the lost-soul, housing project called the Inferno. For many it seemed an impossibly elaborate plan, but with the blessings of His accounting firm He insisted that it could be done. It was meant to be a seven-ring subterranean structure, each ring housing souls depending on the life they’d led. It has now been dwindled down to three rings, and the bottom level has been reserved for the accounting firm. Occupying the other two rings will be men and women, respectively, as He prefers to run a clean establishment.
Reportedly, the additional cost came from labor disputes. When they scouted for workers to dig the Inferno, one of the job’s main selling points was that housing was included. However, the workers found the accommodations highly unsuitable and the union of hell diggers unanimously voted to strike until the deducted housing was put in their checks and transport in and out of the Inferno was provided. This was debated for weeks, but the diggers did not give into intimidation. Finally, it was agreed that they could come out on weekends and upon their death could live in the neighboring paradise project. Still, it was a crippling setback for the project.
The possibility of building an Inferno 2 when further resources could be amassed was discussed, but the Almighty insisted there only be one. Any more than that and it couldn’t really be “The Fiery Pit”, you would have to say “a fiery pit”, which lacks its intended sting. As a result, life expectancy has been soaring, and the possibility of suspended animation on Earth, as opposed to “death”, has been discussed. In the meantime, the Holy Powers are redefining the meaning of sin and taken a decidedly different tone, saying that there are few “good” souls in the world, but there are many more souls that are “good enough.” Human to human threats have altered a bit too. Where some would scream, “See you in Hell!” or “I hope you burn in…” they now utter, “I hope we aren’t neighbors, much less share a room, in eternal paradise.” Surprisingly, this solves most conflicts, but it did hurt Samuel L. Jackson’s ability to find acting work.

CNN Story This little tidbit comes because Japan announced a 5% tax hike on it’s chopsticks because they’re environmentally unsound. Apparently, the emperor put the pieces together: wood is made out of trees, chopsticks are made out of wood, and so chopsticks are made out of uh, uh… Their creative solution to this mounting problem was to switch to plastic, reusable chopsticks and restaurants would give a modest discount to patrons who bring their own utensils. My solution is to use the well-polished finger bones of a human hand as chopsticks. Humans are environmentally friendly (in death) and a renewable resource. Fingers are engineered specifically for picking things up, so any other device would undoubtedly prove inferior.

I’m not unsympathetic to this story because I once came from modest beginnings. I was fed dandelion root for most dinners, but to maintain our dignity we wouldn’t use our fingers but snap twigs from the old oak in the backyard and use them as chopsticks. Now governments of the world are saying this is wrong, and their going to tax me for picking dead twigs from my own tree. They should create a tax tax where lawmakers pay a tax every time they write a new tax.

There’s a dangerous progression to this chopstick law too. Next they’ll start looking at smaller wooden devices like toothpicks. Are humans to walk through life with popcorn kernels between their teeth? Then Popsicle sticks, good Lord! Is Greenpeace going to throw buckets of paint on children as they buy their Rocketpops from the ice cream truck? Where will the birds live if we’re not cutting down their trees to build birdhouses?

Usually I’m appalled at the lack of sound in a film. You lose your illiterate audience straight away, and the filmmakers are accused of being cheap because they don’t want to pay for the equipment and extra staff. Could you imagine how funny it would be to hear Charlie Chaplin shatter a kneecap? That’s right! Hilarious!

In this case, I wasn’t too disappointed. If there were audio all I would hear was tearful pleadings and calls for confession. There’s nothing more strenuous to the ear than the
mutual vanities of the church and the martyr. I already feel strained these days. The sound of a cozy fire would have been quite relaxing, as long as the screams and subsequent rioting were muted.

Supposedly, this film was one of the best ever made, but I thought the story was a bit one sided. The Catholic Church couldn’t very well have let the people make their own moral choices. That would have made them look unnecessary, and then where would they get their funding? Museum attendance!?

In essence, the movie relies on Joan winning the sympathies of the audience by appealing to the audience’s absolute certainty that they know what’s best. Let me reiterate one’s internal dialogue: “Man, if they executed Joan of Arc for being separatist, thinking differently like she was the descendant of God and stuff then I could be persecuted too because I, uh…recycle.” Trust me, viewer, the church wouldn’t waste the bulbous, red tip of a matchstick on you.

 

My Rating: 254 Words