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Entertainment Weekly came out with a list of the 25 most controversial films of all time, and like most awards it’s purely based on box office sales and attention in the press. I’ve only seen half of the list up to this point because so far it’s just the same AP report floating around. Still, “Passion of the Christ” was first followed by “A Clockwork Orange”, “JFK”, “Natural Born Killers.” Even “Deep Throat” was included either to make sure a token porn flick was in the list (why not include the best selling?), or because people genuinely believe that a woman having a clitoris in her throat is a divisive issue. All in all, I found the list to be quite bland. It’s easy enough to make a film with excess nudity and even name it “Profiles of Celebrity Genitalia” (”Basic Instinct” was also included), but it really isn’t controversial, in that it’s polemic and sparks intense debate.

 

Granted, to achieve mass appeal you have to remain shallow. If people started using their think box they might decide the huge amount of empty space in the top of a cereal box is a reckless waste, just as Entertainment Weekly might easily be reduced to a quarterly publication. Anyhow, I’d like to make the Netflix queue challenge and assert that I the movies I will be watching or have watched within the last few weeks are more controversial than your list of 25.

 

The Brother From Another Planet – Despite the goofy plot, this film effectively equates intergalactic slavery with maltreatment of immigrants in the United States. It demonizes the White man and the system of oppression they’ve created.

 

Incubus – A pre-Star Trek Shatner film about stealing souls to Satan through sex, and it’s filmed entirely in Esperanto.

 

The Conversation – Gene Hackman in a Francis Ford Coppola film about a private investigator who drives himself to desperation when he believes he too is being spied on. My interpretation was he rends his soul to escape observation from the Omnipresent, but it’s debatable.

 

Head: The Monkee’s – C’mon you’re going to tell me those guys weren’t high.

 

 

Adventures of Pete and Pete – Well…they did cast Patty Hearst in a guest spot.

 

I’m grabbing at straws now, but my point is you’re boring EW and more than that you’re lazy. Leave the controversy to the visionaries, and you tell us who’s pregnant or has implants.

Oldies but Goodies

Oh, pen feather!

Gobbledeegook!

Fiddle-dee-dee! (My favorite, if I were to give my pen name a middle name it would be “Fiddle Dee” for “Hamish Fiddle Dee Dee”)

Of My Own Invention

Danger Fallow!

Loop Dabbler!

Speculative Jaywalker!

Unfortunately this year’s National Yoyo Day is being overshadowed by the impending apocalypse. Yes, tomorrow is June 6, 2006 (6-6-06, or 6-6-6, if you must insist) and some groups with a lot of funny ideas are making noise about the end of the world. Personally, the apocalypse offends me because wide sweeping disasters that kill multitudes are part of life, and because of vapid overpopulation we can only expect an exponential growth in the number of dead, as well. If you are constantly looking for signs that the world is ending, they are never lacking, but I digress. What offends me is the celestial finger snap that will obliterate mankind. Personally, I believe humanity is capable of cutting it’s own throat without heavenly aid, and one shouldn’t portray the great unifying force as the embodiment of chaos and destruction. Doing so is a denial of personal responsibility and the greatest corrosive element of modern society.

 

Example:  The levees break in New Orleans killing and displacing thousands.

Correct Action in Hindsight: Reinforce the levees.

Bush’s Response: “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

 

So, will the world end tomorrow? I’ll bet you $1,000 it won’t. Though I would be wary of any future political leaders or popes with tomorrow’s birth date.

I specify the date on this film just so everyone understands that this isn’t the cheerleaders, locker room variety of invisible man films. But since we’re on the subject, I’d like to point out that foot disease is transferable and, no matter how erotic the scene or how invisible the man, every time you wander invisibly into the female showers wear flip-flops. Invisibility Tip #1: Scuttle around in your flip-flops when nobody’s watching and when they are noticed the girls will assume they’d been left out.

 

Since this was filmed during the Golden Age of Cinema, I was expecting the heartfelt plight of a man so insignificant and unnoticed that he disappears completely and in his state of invisibility he discovers that his anonymity is the source of his true power. Then I could apply this new insight to my own life and use it to raid high school locker rooms. Instead, it was the story of a mad professor, who madly meddles with overly powerful laundry detergent. And what, you ask, does he do with his new found skill? He breaks people’s dinnerware, you know, fine china and steins. I would have gone for something more menacing, sneaking into movies and such, but madness knows madness I suppose. Invisibility Tip #2: If you find you’re unhappy with your invisible life, try vampirism. You won’t reappear, but you’ll be able to see your own reflection again. So keep a mirror handy and life will be one giant, eternal, carnival funhouse.

 

Another of the film’s many downfalls was the matter-of-fact tonal quality of the people in the film when they are attacked by a spoon-bending, invisible maniac. It’s a problem that carries over into modern films with absurd situations, and a tale-tell sign that the filmmakers don’t really understand people or don’t want to be upstaged by hiring actors. Here are a few questions you might ask yourself, in case any readers are tempted to do additional remakes of the film.

 

If my bike picks itself up and rides itself away would I respond by chasing it, yelling “Hey, come beck here!”?

 

Would I seriously forego the ladies locker room? I posit that you would have to be in that position to know for sure.

 

If a shirt independently began floating around the room would I tackle him, ignoring the fact that the invisible man in question wasn’t wearing pants? And if so, what does that say about me as a police constable?

 

If I were invisible would I wrap an ace bandage completely around my head or would I go for something that slips on and off comfortably, like Emperor Palpatine’s robes or the Elephant Man’s potato sack?

 

If I were conversing with an invisible man would I look at him while we were talking or treat it like a handicap and pretend I’m not looking?

Rating at a glance: 481 Words