hamishdee.com

Every good story begins with a word, as I’ve seen very few that begin without one. Unless, of course, it starts with a number, like “1988, the year of our lord…” or maybe a symbol, like a dollar sign, as in “$5.95! That’s too much for lubricating jelly!” For the sake of argument, let’s say most good books begin with a word. There are many words in the English language, a half million last I checked. First you need to narrow your search by finding a type.

Prepositions (over, between, on) work fine for me, but are guaranteed to get you hit by your English professor. Verbs don’t work because it breaks the old SVO (Subject, Verb, Object) ordering of the language. Unless it’s an imperative like “’Dance’, yelled Calamity Jane, as she shot her pistols at the Bishop’s feet.” You should really avoid beginning with dialogue though. We’ll try an article first because, like smoke to fires, articles always precede nouns.

We have some choices: A, The, and my personal favorite, An.

“An…”

There we’ve started. Lunch break.

Once you’ve had your snack, it’s time to pick a subsequent noun to follow the preceding article. Again, we have many words to choose from, so let’s just choose “word.”

“An word…”

Ok, we’re on a roll. You don’t want to stop now. Remember the old SVO order. Well, we’ve been pretty faithful to it so far, but you don’t want your writing to be stale by following it religiously. We’ll throw in a little something called a dependent clause, being the wordsmiths we are. <-- There’s one now!

First we have to decide what words do. Unless you’re having an epileptic seizure, they don’t do much but sit on the page. We can be more dramatic by saying “lies” or “lies prostrate on the page”, but we should make useful points rather than restate the obvious. Too many people make a career out of restating the obvious. We’ll try “rhyming.”

“An word, rhyming…”

Good, now all we need is a word “word” rhymes with.

“An word, rhyming with bird,…”

There we go. Subject, dependent clause. Now we need to revisit the old formula and find ourselves a verb. We could go back to the whole, “lies prostrate…” rigmarole, but you musn’t be afraid to revisit old stomping grounds.

“An word, rhyming with bird, rhymes…”

That was easy. Now it’s a simple matter of finding another word that “word” rhymes with. We can’t use “bird” again because it’s already implied that they rhyme in the earlier part of the sentence. Ah! Let’s try:

“An word, rhyming with bird, rhymes also with blurd.”

I threw another writing device in there. Did you catch it? “Blurd” isn’t actually a word, at least unto itself. It’s a device used by Lewis Carroll called the portmanteau word. That is, two words combined to form one. In this case, a “blurd” is a bloody turd.

Now that we’ve written this powerhouse of a sentence, the rest of the story is sure to follow. Good luck!

Farmageddon – “Billy, if that banker comes round here again, you know what to do,” says the crochety, old farmer as he cocks his shotgun.

Karmageddon – “Mr. you’re trespassing on my property. And Vishnu’s a stupid name,” says the crochety, old farmer as he cocks his shotgun.

Parmageddon – An old Italian visiting a Pizza Hut on his first day in the US yells, “Volevo parmigiano! Che cazzo e’ questo?”

Charmageddon – The brown haired boy spits on the bullet-riddled corpse of Lucky the Leprechaun and says spitefully, “So I’ll never get your Lucky Charms, huh?”

Hemosexual – prefers sex when blood is involved.
Stockholmosexual -  prefers sex with kidnappers.

Condition: New

Comments: The raspberry Pop Tart is still in its original, reflective, silver packing. I mistakingly bought a variety pack, forgetting that my kids don’t like the raspberry flavor. I tried telling them it was the same as strawberry, only with slightly less sugar, but they just tightened their lips and made that generic, poorly enunciated, whining noise. I regret having children.
Condition: Like New

Comments: I run a hotel that offers free continental breakfast, but the nearby bakery burned down and I had to substitue the doughnuts one morning. Nobody really complained about the substitution, but there were a few left over at the end of the day. The one I’m selling is fig flavored.

Condition: Very Good

Comments: I dropped this Pop Tart, causing wear and tear on the edges. I picked it up immediately, so the 5 seecond rule applies.

Condition: Good

Comments: This Pop Tart was surprisingly durable, as my son who was diagnosed with an agression disorder nailed it to a wall and shot his air rifle at it. It’s still in one piece, but you may have to remove the bbs. It’s peach flavor and I doubt it’s edible.

Condition: Fair

Comments: This Pop Tart is 1/2 pear and 1/2 kumquat. I cut two Pop Tarts in half and combined them to make what I thought would make a delicious blend. Instead, I managed to make them taste worse somehow. I was unwilling to eat the remaining halves and just glued them together.
Condition: Poor

Comments: My kid tried to put this Pop Tart in the spokes of his bicycle tires like a baseball card. It crumbled instantly. Seeing this, the dog ate it and predictably threw up. It’s chicken liver flavored.