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As an award-winning writer, I occassionaly find it helpful to flex my most prominent and well-toned muscle, my brain, which is actually an organ and not a muscle. Anyway, authors are known to make use of exercises that aid in creative and unpredictable, yet coherent, plots. The following exercise is entitled “Fire Escape”, and whether you’re a casual scribbler, or have won a Pulitzer, please feel free to make use of it, attach it to this very post if you like. Here are some examples with my own commentary (added after my head cleared a bit).

Fire Escape
Bob Singapore is jarred from a dead sleep to the nearing whirr of a siren. Annoyed, he reaches in the nightstand drawer in search of his earplugs, but doesn’t find them. Bob reluctantly slides out of bed and stumbles to the bathroom to wash his face, but when he turns on the faucet a steady flow of fire spurts out. Shocked, Bob sprints to the window and from his 37th floor apartment he sees the building being engulfed in flames from the bottom up. Bearing the burden of mortality, he can’t simply wait it out. What does he do?

Solution #1: Realizing the peril of his situation, the trapped man screams as loud as his lungs will allow, “Hey, Firemen! Send your ladder this way so I can come down please.! I don’t like being in a burning building, so save me! Drop that baby and come to my damn window!” Finally, the firemen shift their ladder his way. Bob is grateful for the firemans’ attention when they do come, and begs of them a few minutes to pack some essentials. Bob grabs his best suit, some Pink Floyd albums and a penny jar, then he is transported safely to the ground.

Commentary: That’s the most obvious thing to happen you dim-wit. You should give up writing because you’re too boring. This is why Occam was not a literary critic; the most obvious outcome isn’t necessarily the best.

Situation #2: Not a man to betray his emotions by reacting to any given situation, Bob stumbles to the fish bowl resting on the mantle. He snatches the not-too-spry fish, seeing as it’d been dead for a number of weeks, and chucks it to the floor. Due to his peculiar reasoning abilities he dumps the contents of the bowl over his head, puts it on, then makes a running leap out the window. When he comes to, the doctor informs him that he flat-lined 82 times while he was unconscious and that he is lucky to be alive, probably reffering to Bob.

Commentary: Too much psychology. We don’t know why the bizzare response and I feel stupid for reading it.

Situation #3: Well being an aloholic has finally paid off for Bob because he has an endless supply of cork. He uses it to plug the faucets and drains, and keep smoke from flowing underneath the door. Because of his ingenuity, Bob has a few spare minutes and is able to construct a rope from dental floss, which he uses to make a minty escape.

Commentary: You should limit solutions to physical possibilities. It seems like you’re making fun of the reader.

Well, you’ve had it Denmark. You chose to ignore my letter and now you’ve lost what you hold most true and dear, your pastries. Check it out: CNN

Your once beloved pastry, the ‘danish’, is now known as ‘Roses of the Prophet Mohammed’ in Iran. I suggest you follow their example, Denmark, but again we know you aren’t one to take my suggestions.

This gastronomical warfare is nothing new, though. I’m sure most of you are old enough to remember when the French contradicted the United States on the whole Iraqi war issue. Then in response the White House cafeteria changed the name ‘French’ Fries to ‘Freedom’ fries. That is, until the US realized it was wrong and now we have to choke down our ‘Contrition’ fries. And Kennedy once publicly declared himself to be a doughnut, but most agree it was accidental. Still, there are other historical instances of these slights. Take these:

1. Due to Spain’s harsh treatment of the indigenous peoples of South America they reinvented ‘Spanish’ Rice by adding ‘Basqued’ beans.

2. Because of her Sunni ties, Little Miss Muffet has cut the ‘Kurds’ out of her diet and now only eats ‘Whey’. Incidently, she has been lamenting the foreign invaders on her tuffet, as of late.

3. Atheists don’t eat ‘Angel Hair’ pasta, but ‘Denial of the Existence of God’ pasta. I would expect something more clever from the Godless people, but what can you do.

4. The Palistinians don’t eat ‘Jujubees’. They honestly prefer Gummi Bears.

5. During the Nazi occupation, the German’s ate jumbo hotdogs, not ‘Polosh’ sausage, and if you still confuse the two you are a Nazi.

The list goes on, but it doesn’t get any more funny.
Anyway, it’s harsh treatment, and it is unfortunate that the bakers have to take the fall in this most recent case, but at least we can call it even steven and the healing can begin.