Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Iron Fisting

Sunday, June 11th, 2006

BBC Story Tres Guantanamos committed suicide, fanning the flames of criticism about the harsh treatment and illegal imprisonment of its inmates. When asked about possible motives for the suicides the offical US response was that it was “an act of asymmetric warfare against us.”

I might have been sympathetic to the USA in this case if they hadn’t responded with this slice of idiocy. The truth is that prison suicides are common everywhere, and there’s no reason to expect differently from this one. But that’s not the excuse they went with, instead they opted for the “they’re just trying to make us look stupid” excuse. Well, now you do look stupid and you have no one to thank but yourselves. Even if it is true, nobody believes you and every day the prison remains open incriminates you further. So here’s a tip for the inevitable next time, if prisoners kill themselves give the media an iron fisting by shrugging your shoulders and saying, “They probably didn’t like it here. Oh, well.” You will appear just as evil but not quite so stupid and weak.

Daylight Robbery

Tuesday, April 11th, 2006

The New York Times posted an article in yesterday’s paper about the savage Iranian plot to undermine the Western World and destroy the civilization as we know it. President Ahmadinejad has now attacked one of our most sacred institutions, daylight savings time. That’s right, people living in or flying in and out of Iran will have to remember not to set your watches back an hour, and have their lives in vapid disarray if they don’t forget to forget adjusting their clocks. 

This, I feel, is reason enough for pre-emptive nuclear strike on the uranium-enriched nation. There’s no other place on Earth foolhardy enough to give up daylight savings. Oh, wait…my home state of Arizona, I guess they don’t have it either. Well, good thing those Arizona crazies don’t have nuclear we…uh, oh. I suppose if they’re part of the US then they do. Also, Az. senator John McCain tried to run against Bush in the 2000 elections, and he is likely to try again in ‘08. As the 48th state, Arizona is the continental latecomer. Could be we have a traitor in our midst? Is Arizona controlled by the Iranians?   

Mmm…no, obviously. New York Times, please. Drop the slanted articles about topics that aren’t terribly relevant. You’re better than that. By the way, daylight savings is useless. If you’re that worried about it go to work an hour earlier. 

Sky-Bar Superstar

Wednesday, March 29th, 2006

I suppose congratulations are in order for college student Skyler Bartels who spent 41 consecutive hours wandering a Walmart in Des Moines for an English paper. Of course, this means book deals and movies for him. What else do you expect from the American standards that bring you stores like Walmart in the first place? I only know of two, shall we say…, entities that have done the same. The first was my Great Grandma Dee who had Alzheimer’s. The family went shopping there with her and, while we usually left her in the car, on particularly hot days we brought her in. Once, we sat her in a chair in the furniture department while we shopped for a new desk. Then two days later when we needed to replace the malfuntioning piece of garbage, she was still there, blinking at us in vague recognition. Sad story, really.

More famously, the others who have been in a Walmart store for 41 consecutive hours are everybody who has ever worked for Walmart. They’re not unionized, so the managers can do whatever they want with their worker bees. I held a job in a Walmart and the day I quit was the same day they started locking people in overnight. Why not do a film about my brave story, New Line? Or if it’s something different you want, I refer you to the South American Travel Notebook. Pick any entry and you’ll find a winner.

CNN Story